I’m in a ‘woes me’ state of mind this morning. I tend toward the Eeyore personality
on occasion. It’s one of those days where the weight of the world is crashing down around me. The world tends to hold the Christian to a higher standard as if they were some goody goody or something, but let me share something with you. It’s really the exact opposite of what it appears to be.
I am so aware of my sin that some days it seems too burdensome to even move. I am stifled by my own anger, meanness, bitterness, rage, doubt, unbelief, foulness, hatred….oh the list goes on and on! And it’s worse if I let my guard down.
Last night was one of those nights. If anyone heard me I think they might be a little shocked. I’m even shocked at myself. My husband’s not. He knows me.
One of many a pet sin I hold on to is one I use like a weapon, and I only bring it out on special occasions. It’s cussing. I grew up in a family of 6 siblings…4 of them were brothers. The f word was only one of a dictionary of cuss words frequently used around our home. I remember being little miss perfect and not cussing at all ( I was so proud of myself) till one day when I hit 12 years old. I let one rip and my Mom didn’t correct me in her usual way. That was it. From that day on I cussed. It was cemented in when I worked with men, and the one thing men do well is cuss.
Cussing always perks my ears up, especially when the name of the Lord is taken in vain. Why does it assault my dignity when I hear somebody use Jesus’ name carelessly, especially when it’s me? I find it somehow comically macabre when my flesh reacts to it’s own sin.
Today, I will spend the better half of the day talking to my Daddy in Heaven trying to explain and justify my blasting tirade last night. And then I’ll be confronted with the scars that already saw and experienced on my behalf the trouble I’ve
seen been. And then there will be no explanation left. Only Godly sorrow.
Isaiah 48: I know that you’ve … been called a rebel since you were born. For my name’s sake I’ll be patient. For my glory’s sake I’ll hold my anger back from you, rather than destroy you. I have refined you, but not like silver. I have tested you in the furnace of suffering. I am doing this for myself, only for myself. Why should my name be dishonored (tarnished)?
Father, I’m thankful that you confront me with my sin. I’m thankful that you discipline me, and sometimes just being made aware of the cross of Your Son, Jesus Christ is enough discipline for this soul. As I hold my sin up against the Light of the Cross, I am ashamed, truly ashamed. I repent, Lord. Help me to repent, Lord. By nature I am sinful and unclean. Wash me Savior or I die, and then polish me till I shine for you, for I carry your name upon my forehead and upon my heart. Amen.